It’s a quiet tragedy of our time that imperfection has become something to hide. We mask it and edit it out of our public lives, as if being human were a flaw instead of the very point. Somewhere along the way, society decided that each person must fit a carefully constructed facade of “normal,” and anyone who strays too far from it risks being pushed to the margins.
That expectation is suffocating. It stifles self-expression, uniqueness, and truth. Since when was every single person supposed to look the same, think the same, live the same life? Since when did conformity become a virtue?
We were not created as duplicates. Every human being enters this world with different strengths, struggles, tastes, rhythms, and callings. And yet we behave as though life is a uniform that must be worn just so — the right beliefs, the right career path, the right clothes, the right home, the right milestones, achieved in the right order. Deviate from the script, and suddenly you are “off,” “behind,” or worse, suspect.
Imagine being told that everyone must have the same hair color. Anyone who stands out is quietly — or loudly — ostracized. It would sound absurd, even cruel. And yet we do this every day in subtler ways. We judge people by the size of their homes, the balance in their bank accounts, the labels on their clothing, the choices they make about work or study. We treat these external markers as moral measurements, as though they reveal someone’s worth.
People feel ashamed for having less, for moving slower, for choosing differently. Others are praised not for growth or integrity, but for finally matching the approved image. Someone struggles, experiments, goes through a phase — and then, once they fit the mold, they’re suddenly “acceptable,” even “perfect.” The message is clear: you are only worthy once you conform.
That pressure creates a social asylum, where everyone is trying desperately to fit in while quietly unraveling inside. We hold up yardsticks that were never meant to measure us and then wonder why so many people feel inadequate, anxious, or lost. We mistake sameness for stability and uniformity for righteousness.
But difference is not disorder. A person who chooses learning is not morally superior to one who chooses work. Someone who dresses differently is not making a statement against you — they may simply be honoring their own character. A life that looks unfamiliar to you is not automatically misguided or broken. It is simply not yours.
And this raises a more uncomfortable question: which values are we actually listening to? Are we guided by eternal truths, or by social consensus? Because if we believe that human beings are created intentionally, with care and wisdom, then it follows that our differences are not accidents. They are features, not bugs.
A higher vision of humanity does not demand that we flatten ourselves to please the crowd. It does not ask us to contort our identities to fit the whims of the masses. It does not confuse holiness with homogeneity. A Creator who understands His creation would never require us to erase what makes each of us distinct in order to belong.
Perhaps it’s time to stop asking whether we fit in, and start asking whether we are being honest. Honest about who we are, what we value, and how we are meant to live. The world doesn’t need more perfect replicas. It needs real people, living real lives, unashamed of their differences.
Standing out isn’t the problem. Forgetting why we were made different in the first place is.
Signed,
Chaim
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10 Responses
Apparently the mailbag has become the poor man’s therapist.
So true! I’ve been lamenting for years that we are a “sick society”. Whereas we are so great compared to ‘others’, ‘they’ win on embracing individuality. This is the reason takanos on simcha spending was never effective. Our leaders have been too weak to break away and set an example.
The army is even much much worse. There, they all have to dress in the exact same uniform. And do the exact same activities.
Peer pressure is not a 21st century American Jewish phenomenon. It’s been around a long time. The Torah also provides tools on how people can develop strength within themselves to not care about what others think. In Novardok we would do exercises to build ourselves up to not care what others think of us. Also you should be aware that outside of Lakewood these pressures are much much less. It is one more incentive to skip the mishigas and move out of town.
Truly a life-altering letter
chayav adom lomar beshvili nivra ha’olam
why? because of the above.
this way you don’t end up following rather leading
if you follow, you will likely end up with them
and there’s room in …. for many ppl
what was the offense? there is no photo of the individual
Many of your concerns or I should say all your concerns as to how the wonderful quality and value of NORMAL is being misused are valid; with one caveat, Normalcy is not the cause ofthese issues its the misuse of Normalcy that is the problem.
Normal or Nurmal in Yiddish is a very good thing.
Normal is not all the things that your conflating Normal to be.
Can The value and quality of normal be misused? yes!
BUT WITHOUT NORMAL WE HAVE NOTHING! NO DERECH ERETZ AND NO MIDDOS!
We are Bieshanim, Rachmanim and Gomlei Chasadim.
Bieshanim is 1st in the list of Chazal!!! “ביישנים, רחמנים, גומלי חסדים / יבמות עח ע”ב”
Without being normal we stand the risk and the very big danger of all unhealth; mental emotional and even Physical.
If you want to make your point you should talk about 1st appreciating being NORMAL and then and only then to speak about how being NORMAL can be MISUSED.
how do I know all this because I treid your approach and its a disaster and very dangerous and wrong.
Does this mean we should not be true to ourselves? of course not. Does this mean we are not to be unique? also of course not.
We need to believe that Uniquness is possible within the NORM not by going out ofthe Norm; is it a challange? yes! Do we know how to do this? Not really! But we dont throw away a billion dollars because we have no clue what to do with it.
The Chazon ISh writes in a Michtav to Bnei Hayishivah as follows:
“באגרות חזון איש (א, כ) מופיעות ‘הנהגות’ שכתב לבן ישיבה אחד. סעיף ד הוא: “ליזהר מלעשות דבר משונה שאין אחרים עושין כן, וליזהר מאד בזה”.”
Now bear in mind this forum is not a place for HADRACHA and personal guidence so it could be that for you the writer the rightthing is to go to the opposite extreme of normalcy so that you can find balance and the golden middle.
Hadracha is for One on One and not for an article online or even in more holy places; Hadracha is ideally meant face to face. So please dont take my comment as a Hadracha to you to be super Normal it could be what you need at this time inyour life is the opposite.
But in general being normal is very very important.
And when person reaches that golden middle of balance it will be full of strands of normalcy.
Normalcy is not everything but its a very important foundation.
No, normalcy is not made up by society nor is it just social.
Our Chush or sense that somthing is a bit off or a bit Abnormal is a Chush or sens e to be prized and not stifled Chas Veshalom!
Rav Wolbe Ztz”l would educate his talmidim to develope and of course not stifle even a Ruchniusdigeh Reiach or SMELL of things being off!!!
Someone once told me that the Brisker Rav Ztz”l said that you know hat comes before Torah? To be Normal.
The world sells us excitment and novelty and sensationalism so it may be that from that we think that Torah is all about that just with good things and mitzvos!
No! the Torah is found ona background of Normalcy not roller-coasterism!!!
Just like being a baal Gavaah or Haughty is only possible when one has a real Maalah or quality and that does not justify the bad middah of Haughtyness essentially, but it also does not mean that one should throw away the quality that he is being Haughty with. Rather the work for us at least is to be a bit alert to our haughtynesss and make sure it doe snot punch people in the face.
So to Normalcy is a QUALITY but like any real quality it can be used to destroy; but in no way shape or form does that mean we need to destroy the quality Chas veshalom.
What we all need is a rebbe in Yirah as the Chazon ish says we all must have a Rebbe Muvhak in Yirah!
Responding to Yoel Green:
I vehemently disagree with you, and I can offer you tip-of-iceberg REAL-LIFE examples of why.
Years ago I read an article (it may have been authored by Sarah Shapiro, but I can’t recall for sure who the author was). This was a מעשה שהיה – non-fiction.
This took place in an Orthodox Jewish girls school. A teacher was giving the girls a lesson on a serious topic. It could have been about the Holocaust, or whatever..
As she was lecturing, one of the students broke out in giggling, or snickering. The teacher responded very forcefully, and lashed out with a strict censorious speech about her inappropriate behavior.
That girl committed suicide directly afterward, due to having been shamed for a reason she had no control over. You see, that girl suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome.
I myself had a girl in my class who would sometimes titter (because of a mental deficiency). The parents misguidedly had told the principal not to tell the teachers about her deficiency, because they wanted her to be treated “normally”. The outcome was, that a secular teacher (who had sent that girl out for tittering) felt horrible, after one of the other classmates explained to him about her condition. He said “I didn’t know! WHY didn’t they tell me??”
You may respond that these are extreme cases. Well you’re wrong. Because do you realize how many people may have borderline ADHD for example, where they feel like they’re bursting if they don’t shoot from the hip, or if they can’t run around rather than being cooped up? Or any other of myriad differences people might have?
Why don’t you, and other conservative judgmentalists, try climbing inside each and every one of us, including myself, before passing judgment on what’s QUOTE-NORMAL-UNQUOTE. As for myself, the school system permanently wiped out my life, by ruining my physical and emotional health. I could have actually TURNED OUT NORMAL if not for having endured the school system. In fact, it’s why i “dryly-laughed” to myself during the period when Rechnitz spoke out on behalf of students who are rejected by schools. Because I’d have loved nothing more, than to have been rejected by every single school that existed back then.
Excellent letter. TY